Working Through Defensiveness in Relationships
It’s natural to want to defend our belief systems and our past decisions. But once we are ready for change, we have to let go of the tension between where we’ve been and where we’re going.
I’ve learned a lot working with clients who carry defensiveness or over-explaining into our meetings. In these cases, I adapt my communication and coaching style in several ways to make room for deeper change.
Sometimes defensiveness is a sign of ill-fit in a client-coach relationship. But when there’s a commitment to change on both sides of the relationship, change is possible even through their defenses.
Check out my tools:
Active listening: Prioritize listening attentively, allowing them to express themselves fully without interruption. This helps people feel heard and understood, potentially reducing their need to be defensive.
Conscious communication: Emphasize conscious communication techniques, which involve carefully responding to what you've heard. For instance, ask for permission to respond to what they say to demonstrate respect for her narrative.
Structured note-taking: Take organized notes during sessions to break down complex issues into manageable categories. For a recent client, I separated health, schooling, stress, and marriage into components. This structured approach helped me and the client focus on specific areas without getting overwhelmed.
Reframing exercises: Help people reframe their perceptions and experiences. For example, I encouraged one client to update their "script" about their spouse to reflect their true feelings and experiences more authentically. Reframe towards increased alignment.
Encouraging self-reflection: Assign journaling and meditation prompts to help clients process their experiences and emotions more effectively. This can help reduce defensive reactions by promoting self-awareness, emotional processing, and mental clarity.
Validating emotions: Acknowledge and validate people’s feelings, which can help decrease defensiveness. With one client, I recognized the complexity of their emotions about marriage.
Focusing on the present: Guide clients to focus on their current situation and future plans rather than dwelling on past issues, which can help reduce their fixation on historical events.
Setting clear boundaries: Help clients establish and maintain healthy boundaries in their personal lives and the coaching relationship.
Emphasizing self-care: Stress the importance of self-care and well-being, which can help clients feel more grounded and less reactive.
Pacing the conversation: Adjust the pace of your sessions to match the client's needs, allowing for pauses and reflection when necessary.
Using open-ended questions: Ask thoughtful questions to encourage deeper reflection and help clients arrive at their own insights.
Providing a non-judgmental space: Create a safe, non-judgmental environment where clients feel comfortable expressing themselves without fear of criticism.
By adapting my communication and coaching style in these ways, I help clients feel more at ease, and reduce their tendency to be defensive or overexplain.
This approach allows for more productive and insightful coaching sessions, enabling clients to work through their complex personal and career challenges more effectively.
If you’re looking to develop skills like these. Book a session with AO.
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This work draws on tools from the School of Consent, NLP-based communication, and applied yoga and mindfulness practices. Sessions are personalized, therapeutic, and flexible to what you need each week—whether that’s deep emotional processing, habit redesign, or clarity around leadership and boundaries.
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